My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
