I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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