woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
