you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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