He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
