I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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