How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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