Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
