While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
