Pants 0. Shit 1.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
