I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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