I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
