i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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