He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He shit in the fireplace
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
