I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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