I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
