Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
