I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
