the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
