I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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