My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
