I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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