so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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