It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
