i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I want her autograph on my taint
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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