Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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