you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
