I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize