Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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