remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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