I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The Olympian is in my bed
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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