You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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