Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
