I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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