She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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