headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
wow bdsm is so cute
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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