I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
