First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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