i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
