First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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