I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
