please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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