Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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