My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
