I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
