sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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