She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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