Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
