Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
