I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Drunk is a universal language darling
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