I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
