dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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