So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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