I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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