I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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