I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
