I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
