Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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