Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
