one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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